losing a part of ourselves

excerpts from my personal journal...i won't disclose the real names of the people involved.

12:21am 04.21.05

it would be easier for me to write down my thoughts than to blog in the computer. last night, I received a text message from Kirk telling me that the parents and sister of _____ were stabbed in China. The sister wasn't harmed. the dad passed away and the mom and the other sister were still in the hospital.

this was all too much for me. i was too shocked. I texted Khat if our friend (the one in the hospital) was all right. she confirmed what Kirk told me earlier. I started informing other people of what had happened. Some of them replied with shock. others didn't even want to believe what i had just told them.

after a few more minutes, Khat texted me. she told me that our friend (the one still in the hospital) passed away already.

i didn't know how to react to that. my first thought?.. why her? why did this have to happen to her and her family? Is the sister who wasn't hurt okay? my thoughts were all jumbled.... after that, i couldn't reply to Khat nor could i forward the news to other people. i told my mom what had happened (we were on the way home from our former parish priest's installation in his new church and i was actually in high spirits before all this.)

i placed my hands on my head and stared out of the window of the car. i couldn't believe what i just read. i stayed silent. even the other people riding the vehicle kind of respected the silence that was enveloping the whole car. all of a sudden, memories of when i last saw her flooded my mind. i remembered her smile that time. we even hugged each other. i remembered our conversation about college (she was from UP diliman and i'm going to Ateneo) and how we promised that we'd eat in Katipunan. my bestfriend was with us during the conversation. so was Khat. i couldn't believe that that would be the last time that i would see her.

then, Khat texted again saying that the info she told me might have been wrong. "ang gulo dito" i guess pertaining to the info dissemination. so i told other people that the news about our friend's death may have been untrue. it was like a ray of hope in a dark night.

i kept my phone open even if i was about to sleep. a feat i didn't usually do. i told khat to update me with whatever news she gets. so when i woke up. i had a text message from khat at around 1:56am of april 20 telling me that the sister confirmed that our friend had passed away. our friend wasn't able to endure the surgery.


just a few hours ago, at around 6pm, there was a mass offered in St. Jerome for their family and for other intentions. LSYC family was there and so were her former classmates and batchmates. when the mass ended, we all met up at the front of the church. it was an atmosphere i didn't like to feel. an atmosphere of grief, of sadness, of regret, of loss.

the new batch of LSYC members went to the prayer room to offer personal prayers for the repose of the soul of our friend and her dad. on our way there, i bumped into some of my good friends who were former classmates of our friend who passed away. after each hug, i couldn't help but feel... weighed down. as if their sadness was being passed on to me with every hug. it tore my heart to see
them lonely like that. i could sympathize, somehow, because when you're from the honor section for too long, the loss of one would be so very hard. it's like losing a part of yourself. and the worst thing is, you can't do anything about it.

i hugged one of them. And as i was hugging him he was telling me "biruin mo yun?.. ganun lang kabilis?.. wala na siya?"

and to that i didn't know what to say.

as i kept bumping into these people, my first question would be "okay ka lang?" and then i would automatically touch their shoulder. the replies were varied.


today i realized how life is like a thread. so very fragile that it could be snapped in the blink of an eye. i remember telling Jeg about how bad i felt.. that she was so nice, funny, thoughtful, doesn't forget about the friends she had made... that she shouldn't have died.. and then he told me "God has a reason for everything.".that gave me a little ease. imagine, i forgot my motto! i have always believed that there is no such thing as a random act or coincidence. things happened because they were meant to happen. i forgot to thank Jeg for reminding me about that. God always has a reason. He has a plan for all of us. I believe that He saw that our friend has lived a life full of meaning. That she has served Him well. That her mission had been completed for she has touched many lives all ready and Our Creator needs another angel up there to accompany the others.

another thing i learned? ... how important each second of my time i spend with other people is. how valuable it is to have even spent even a few seconds with them. it kind of reminds me how important each person i encounter in this life is. and that each friend we gain is like an extension of ourselves. so it doesn't come as a surprise if at the moment we lose one, it's like losing a part of us. it also doesn't come as a surprise that if we do go on to the next life, we would still be alive on earth. we would be sustained by our friends' love... by their memory of us.


"You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens.
Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

Life has to end, love doesn't."